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Saturday, November 03, 2007

Unknown feelings

I dreamt my grandma last night. She was lying on that lazy chair, laughing, talking, smiling with us. I was so happy to see her, again. She seldom appeared into my dream. Me and my cousin sister were talking to her, again. Yes, she died two years ago. I miss her so much, and we really do miss her too. How's her life? Fine? Suffer? OK? Well? Anyway, I still got no chance to ask her.. "Did you get my 3G handphone that I burn it for you during Ching-Ming? New model one?" I bet she doesn't know how to use it, it is too high tech..

Yup, wonder why was she lying on that chair, it was so real. She alive again? OMG. Can't believe it, it is so natural, the same house, same situation, drinking tea and sleeping, yawning. She died right?? Two years ago? What I felt was so real. And everytime she comes to my dream and what I think was just.."She alived again, maybe we rescue her during in the hospital or in the coffin." Unbelievable. Everything just real. I hope it is real too. May be we just can spend our time in my dream.

Every dream of her, I just having a very strong feelings that she comes back to us. That feeling is just too real, untill you believe that you are living in another new world, which belongs to you, own. Another new world which only happen in your dream. When you awake, you will cry and suffer for it. Maybe you will dream that Rain has become your boyfriend, it maybe will be so real, or blur... When you awake and realise it was just a dream. You got a realy harsh feel then...
Maybe you will dream that you bit Jay Chow in a Piano battle field. And you awake, it will just a dream.

Anyway? Will it become true? Maybe one day you gonna bit Jay Chow? May be one day Rain will become your boy? Maybe the girl that you dream to be with, and you guys will live happily forever? You definitely will hope it to become true? Is it same to if you dreamt "nightmares"? You will definitely hope never dreamt it before.

I got huge feelings in my every dream, may be it has an implication, knowing the furture, my fortune? I really got a strong feelings on my grandma, used to be with her telling jokes when she is still here, that the feelings on her is so strong untill you can't give it to others nor give only half? part of it.

I got a dream on a guy that I love for years. Everytimes he appeared in my dream, and I think may be it is not over, but when I awake, every thing will become to current situation. Why time can't stop? For years? huge feelings is still there, and now still remain. And I still believe, someday, he with me.. And this believe is so strong, till you going into another world .again. And yes, this world that belongs to the guy you love and you.

I live in my own world, since the guy left without a goodbye, he won't come back again. I know it won't be any miracle happen between us. I just hope to live in a different world, that belongs to "unbelievable" things, and I still believe it may true. ... .. "For years, I cried, I drunk, trying not to think of you, I sacrifice everything just to (dream to) be with you. I know this is a strong feelings on you, but I understand this is a wrong feelings on you too. I don't let you know in real, I want it in my fake world. Then it will be precious "

Desribe the guy that I dream? .. He is my inspiration in my life, just because of "gone". I know I have to be strong, that weakness can't kill me. Every success in my life, scoring beautiful results in my every piece of exam, complete my stages of music life, stepping on my stage, perform my life with full of confidence. And I still blur with all these. Why? ... "Just because of you, I work so hard, till mad. You are a great guy that I ever seen in my life, no one can compare to you, and I miss you. You have the passion that others don't have, you have your dream, and that influence me too. You are really amazing, the feelings started, just because of that."

I got huge, big thinking in my life, huge dream. What dream? Do you believe I do everything just to be with him. HUh.. I failed. I still minggling in "he and me" dream. I do believe, that feelings is in my heart, no one can share a part from it. For years (again), I know it is wrong, but it is right in my dream, come to my dream, and tell me it is real, this is the right path I want.... "All I think is only you, I'm pushing myself into this unbelievable world. This world will last forever no end. It is a paradise for my sacrification of my every success. Letting this world keeping my sacrifice and my secrets, and my feelings on every tears I give you in my every night. "

Sad? Yup, I really sad, I just don't wanna close my eyes, I am sad to see you, scared to hear from you, because you are too attracting, deep into my feelings. Feelings, when people tell you if you get hurt, just let the time heal it. huh? I really don't think it will. He hurts me everytime, but the feelings is still there, I know it will last forever. Untill I ask .."What if I decided not to marry any other guy except him? or not getting married forever har? " With that feelings, I have to be lonely in my entire life. I have planned, prepared for it...

I will try very hard to not letting anyone step into my world. I just wish to live like that forever, I have learnt many things in my life which without him. I will try everything to save the feelings on him, because I'm lie-ing to myself. I won't let anyone steal it, no one can come into my world, that belongs to him and mine. I will stop every single thoughts on others just because of him. Worth it? I know it is worth, it is a sacrficial. I will wait for it to come.... forever..... I believe that will be no waste of tears that I cried in every night.

I have to learn from mistakes. I learnt mistakes, I know it is a mistake, trying to do correction on it.. but it still appear "error"....

I know this is "wrong feelings" , I understand it... But I don't Realize...

still wait for it... don't know it will be how many 10 years....

3 comments:

Ichitaka Leingod said...

Dreams... as much as I like dreams as u, we both know it's not real sadly. Still, dreams make us feel what we could not feel anymore (or at all). It makes you realise something before it's gone and appreciate it more. Dreams...

johnny said...

Cheer up please..

Eddy said...

i bought for my dad too some HP...