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Sunday, October 05, 2008

I am Jammed

I got so long time no blog, just purely because this blog does not make myself having mood on.. erm.. making money. ooi.. Don't view me as so materialistic...... yes I am..

I am damn 9 busy... arrghh~! I got no mood.. no mood.. and i got so many things to tell.

First of all.. My Parents:

Aiya, they are always the both who make me crazy all time just because of little money. Father is like that, and, my Mom is like that. Who knows that one day, I will got another tumor inside my head and my butt. Just because I am so stressing of their attitudes.

My mom araised this: "You better go and find piano work har, and pay for all the electrical bills and all those junk expenses."

Me: "what??? o.O"

Don't view me that I am so disrespect to my mom and so ignore and annoy her. I don't think I have to work to pay for all the bills at this moment. And, she yelled that she is now poor and economic is bad and it is affecting her daily revenues. Shut Up lor~ She use to spend like a fat rich lady all the while, and lending out so much to her siblings and so care of her siblings. Why not ask her siblings to help her to pay, and ask me pay har?(Ok, seems I am the one who living in this room, no care) ... My brother is too innocent at this point that he does not know anything that is happening among us, rather be innocent lar.

She used to give so big angpau during the wedding ceremony and to show off how ABLE her family can be (I no care lor, she wan to show off to others that her siblings are so well so good).

She used to buy so sparkling gold neckless to her nephew during his wedding just to show off that actually her nephew is ABLE (I really dono he able what..). She used to buy her son and so pampered him and bought him a RM3000++ DELL laptop.

Eh, you got all the ABLE to buy all those things, and, you are now telling me that you are UNABLE to pay for the bills. Honestly, from young till now, you really spent little on me. And I dare admit that my father spent on me more than you, I don't think you can be so poor lor..

Papa work salary is lesser and more lesser than you so much, why he can able to save and you can't. You so like to care and give things to your siblings, why not you show off your pity face infront of them and see how am I and papa torture you ah? and ask them to care you back lar.. One my father is damn stingy, One my Mom is damn the not stingy. How to create a balance.. ??

I can say that whatever happened to both of you I am dare to do whatever things to overcome. No matter what. You want pay bill? I go borrow to pay it. If no money, why not we just starve and eat poridge all the while, why must we spend so much on eating in high-end restaurant. If you poor, just admit that you are poor lar... Why must to show off that you are ABLE meh.

I don't think we need to rely on others and they rely on us. Honest, we are one family and we have our own life, why must we depend on others so much. We no car then no car lar, why must grab others people car to claim and to show off that car is actually yours. We want to go to that destination then we walk with our own ability, not to borrow others leg and claim that is a grant.

I less depend on you both since young, I like to work part-time and I do like money. The problem is :vehicles transport is my problem. If it has a better service of buses and public transports, I would absolutely go work for it. Because, everyone likes money especially during this downing economy. I don't think I am not working to pay bills already proven that I am a bad daughter. I worked for years with same job and same environment, I did the best in work and study, I just trying to do my best for myself and my family. I am not to wreck lor..

You think I am so ABLE. I am now telling you that I am very Unable to pay to you guys. I talked to papa that he wanted me to pay him back all my education fees. Honestly, I can pay, then I pay lar.. If can't...tHEN I not to pay. Since, you raised me till degree level . I admit that I am not satisfy with that. So, I still have lots to save, save for my master, save for my piano, save for my car installment and also planning to buy houses and study overseas and travel. I am too ambitious to create my own life. I just don't wanna starve to pay both of you. That's it. I think this is the best ever. Eh, I no ask u give me money you steal laugh lar. still wan me pay ah.. =P

WITH THIS, I HAVE JAMMED IN MY ASSIGNMENT.. this is not a good Feng Shui at all (as what I am doing my dissertation topic)


Yes, we broke. And I aware that I did not do my best on this. I surrender that I am the failure and loser in this stupid game. Who knows one day that I am the stupid idiot and sooi people who overcome this situation.

And, sometimes you think all the while is good, nothing and having fun. And the one that you are having fun with, used to shoot you infront of your forehead then die. Bad luck was surrounding me that time.

I can feel a bad "Chi" there. Symptoms like, I broke my lovely clinelle mirror sudenly, My hair drops terribly, and nightmares all day and night. That already temper my heat and making a bad Chi internally and externally. Just feel that I deserve back what kind of bad things that I have done all the while, and this is the karma and payback.

But, it happens too soon. And, one shot give you one headache. 人一衰起来.还真的衰到贴地.

I was not a good girlfriend to you. But, you claimed that is your problem and not mine. Honestly, the problem belongs to both of us or even 3,4,5..persons. There is always a relation to create a problem. I no suka suka fun fun to go and create a problem for myself and suffer lor.

You deny to tell yours but only telling you not love me anymore. I am to tell that I really sorry and sorry to be the person who take part in this problem. My problem is, I am too outrange from what others are doing. I love to be alone all the while and refuse to speak all the while and yet not knowing the situation of being together (because I thought together is like that).

I am living in my own world and failed to have long term partner. I am too use my own style and that has created a force in the relationship. You might feel stress and thus this leads to your problem. And the problem arised.

I sad myself, happy myself and take less concerns on others. However, initially, me and you just want to have fun, the results seem not the outcome that we both wanted. Or, there are other factors that influenced the outcome as well.

I admit that I am really timid. I was to find a long-no-see friend to be in a relationship instead of a fresh stranger. As I thought I'll know you well. And that is the point I only dare to be with the person that I know long time and at the same time I had fallen love on you. The result is not I wanted to be, and it comes to an end.

Do things how hard I refuse to give up, no matter what, and I believe a solution that can tie it up. However, will the one that you would like to share your solution with, will able to solve the problem with you together? No, there are different kind of people, and human beings. Different ranges, status and cognitive thinking.

I am sorry that what I did to you. Cause I only felt the love that I long time no experienced it when I was being with you. And I really thought that you felt the way too. From the memories that you smile, hold my hands and happy together was just a lie. I never thought that you are forced to hold my hands and like me, thus make you suffer, I am so sorry. I am so regret and feel dissapointed on myself that I did not aware it.

You treated me a lot all during the moments and make me happy all the while, I thought and really thought. But, what I thought is a NOT. That you telling me that you no love me.. no more..

I realise that nothing will be perfect if you really want it to be. Sometimes, you are getting too confused and you are the one who-self to ruin it up. Perfect imperfect. It is always a balance in life, and no perfect not imperfect. There is only a major or minor.

Learning a lesson in this game proven that I am developing in the sense of caring and loving others. Of course taking caution actions. I love to love. What about others?

No matter, I did a huge mistake on this. I have no guarantee that I might do it again. Because of you, I try my best not to let anyone take in my place anymore. Cause, it really hurts. Crying consumes a lot of energy and it affect my dissertation indirectly. I am not dare to step further out of my own world anymore.

i REALLy got jammed in my work. Hahaha... do you imagine that I only left a little time to finish it. 3 though though assignments?? Can I choose to faint..?? NOW???


No.. No choice...You have to cheer up no matter how bad luck you are in now.. *sorb sorb

P/S: No matter how hardworking and so given-heart on doing your things. The result might be unexpectable and contingence. You have your responsible to face and to accept whatever come to you. Not to blame others but yourself.

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